Nothing To Gain, Everything To Fear

I know no one ever keeps there resolutions, but I have realistic goals.

1) Spend more time being happy than depressed and mopey (easy because of a certain person)
2) Make more of an attempt (at least that much) to lose 15 pounds
3) Be happy with what I have and not ruin things by trying to get more out of people than they are willing to give
4) The opinions of others do not effect my every movement. Stop caring what others think, period.
5) Drink even less pop than I already do (essentially none)
6) Finish the Fountainhead book
7) Finish high school with 80's in everything (except math is 70)
8) Get into post-secondary and start to make something of my life
9) Be more honest. If I think someone is a terrible person, they deserve to know why they suck at life
10) Produce a pie from thin air, a.k.a become a real woman
11)Laugh louder, cry harder, live more.

and the most important resolution already in the works...letting go.

In the dark winter night your body should have glowed red. To brush against your arm was to feel fire. You even held my hand in the silence. It was more than I could have asked for and all I wanted. To lay with you, to be with you. In the books Edward may be the immortal fairy tale love, but I need a Jacob. I want something warm, human. I want to grow old with someone, and I'm starting to think thats you. Too early to confirm, too late to escape. Your warm arms are holding me even now. I like waking up to you, perfect even in your flaws that you hate and I love. We've been waiting so long to find this. Even now, we are only walking parallel to our path. But I'm walking, patiently with you until those roads meet and you can take my hand in yours. One day your shadows and secrets won't be able to hold us back anymore. I'd do anything for you, I'd wait forever for you to be happy, even if it isn't with me.

Jacob deserves his true love too.

Rock n' Roll on a record player. The too small pool table. That familiar scent. Your subtle (and misguided) appreciation of my figure. Me pretending not to notice. Winning 2 games in a row though you are a much better pool player. Letting me win and not rubbing it in my face. Chicken cordon bleu and garlic noodles. Planning a move to France. Cookies and brownies. The Spanish Train. Norwegian prisons. Too much smoke. Cold winter air. Surprise attacks. An new-found weak spot. Keep close for warmth. Fraiser is old. 5 more minutes. Silent taxis. The sound of winter. Crunch through the silence. Park gazebos. Hold tight. Farewell till tomorrow.

You Are My North Star

I finally slept last night, but being trapped in a very bad nightmare isn't much of a sleep. I really really REALLY hate nightmares, especially when they involve people I know, which lately everyone has. I'm gonna start fearing these people in real life if this keeps up. But who to approach for help? no one. An empty house, can't go to my mums and talk with her. Its really frustrating on top of everything else. In other news, if you want to be really creeped out, watch the movie May. Every time I watch it I get more freaked out by it. I really do love it though. May, the main character is so special to me, and even as I cringe away I smile at her and cheer her on to happiness.  She just wants a friend after all, one that wont hurt her. I don't think thats too much to ask. Sigh...


Way to ditch me loserface, thanks for letting me down too.

I haven't really slept in the last 3 days. Its been emotionally brutal. Infuriating, frustrating at times, then absolutely hilarious and juvenile the next (like me snorting coca-cola through my noes, one of my less brilliant ideas). The best part was probably last night (luv luv loserface <3), as well as the worst, I'm lucky I didn't break my hand. Oh well, I'm over it, I don't care, whatevers. And in response to my last post, ITS A BLOG. Practically no one reads it and I write in it my frustrations, that post was supposed to be private too but I was to mad to realize and now I just don't care. Suck it up you big baby. Stop acting like a 12 year old and grow up. Anywho, loser face mcgee couldn't come over tonight (sorry I got you in trouble) so I was asleep and had a terrible nightmare, woke up screaming and all. I won't be forgetting that face anytime soon. So I went upstairs (no one is home, all gone for the weekend except me *tear*) and watched this movie called Millions. It was directed by Danny Boyle (trainspotting) and was quite different from the mentioned movie in brackets, storyline wise. I liked it though, it was a cute little movie that really calmed my home alone fears. Also it made a good statement about how money complicates things and really does more damage than good in excess. The ending was sweet and really made me smile. A very good family friendly happy movie. Just what I needed. Maybe I will sleep tonight, but I think I am still too subconsciously distraught to sleep without really horrific nightmares. (which is why I haven't slept in 3 days)

Oh yea, Loserface Mcgee, aka. Fatty Mcguffin.
You ain't half bad...sometimes....like once in a blue moon....but not really. Lol luv luv <3<3

I haven't been this mad in over 2 years. We were the 3 people that kept him here, that gave him a reason to stay. The kindest, most patient man I ever met, and you broke his trust like it was a blade of grass. He stayed here for you, you bastard and you trampled over him like it was nothing. For someone who values the virtues of God and goodness and humanity, you sure are a goddamn devil. He stayed for you, and now its to late to leave, for him to go where people love him and there are people who wont try and crush his hope and his heart. He could've been with the people he cares for most, but you lulled him in to believing you were worth his time, worth his care and love. You make me sick. I hope you get what you deserve for betraying him like this. Forget what you did to me, what you did to Morgan, this is the ultimate in slimy, under-handed, dirty betrayals. You are a monster if ever there was one. He will be ok, he will recover because he is a wonderful beautiful person, and light will follow him and life will turn around for him. He will be happy again. But you, your shadowy, despicable ways will follow you, God shall watch and judge you. You, not everyone who disagree's with you as you so pretentiously believe. God is watching you, and how you betray those who trust you, how you covet what is not yours, and how you vainly believe you are "oh so virtuous". Think of me as God's messenger, he is watching you, and if I have to deliver the message personally, your time shall come and you shall reap what you have sewn. Betrayal, hatred, vanity, and a monster's cold black heart.

Justin Hume, you are a Devil in Preacher's clothing.

What I'm sure many current as well as old friends have been waiting for this. I'm the bad guy. I'm not taking all the blame, cause most of you have been just as bad as me. I've tried to be there for you, gone to the end of the world and back, asking for nothing in return except true and honest friendship. The kind without talking behind my back or treating me as disposable. I didn't think I was asking much, I thought this was what friends did. I was mistaken. I got shotty treatment from a fair few because I chose not to share everything with them, keeping my burdens to myself. I was content to be there for others, but if I don't bitch and whine to them, I don't trust them or care about them. What a load of crap. Yea, when things go bad for me, I ignore you, leave you all be, not because I'm pissed at you, but because I don't want to talk about why I am pissed off, and because I don't want to blow up at my friends (which I do on a good day, so a bad day would be like world war 3). Albeit, I felt ignored by a few, so I followed suit. It didn't help I was upset about my own shit at the time. So I admit, I ignored people, blocked them out, maybe even acted like a bitch to them on the rare occasion we talked. I keep people out of my really personal stuff as much as I can, so much that I will draw attention to something else that is insignificant but still bad so no one notices the big stuff. And as a result of me not wanting to share all my "feelings" with all of you, drama follows me, as one good friend told me yesterday, I want drama, just so I can keep everyone out. Fine, think that. I want everyone out of my personal personal crap, and if a little catty girl drama follows me as a result, its something I'm willing to put up with. I love my friends, the old ones who pretty much hate me and don't want to talk to me, and the ones I have now, who get mad at me for not sharing everything about my life and "opening up". But if I really do need help, I ask.

Special note: Justin, Rikki and Katrina, (partly James too). Even if you don't read it, I treated you worst of all, and yea I was moody, and angsty and a total hag. I'm not taking all the blame, there was fault on both sides, but I admit I was a total bitch. You don't want anything to do with me, fair. But at least I'm finally owning up.

So life has been going along quite nicely. Justin's birthday was much fun, but boy did I get home late, the compliments to my story were worth it. Capital ex was everything I could ask for. The people I was with made it so amazing. I got my corset today, as well as free blue checkered vans shoes that I like a lot. Mostly I love my corset. I was kinda dizzy when I first put it on, but I'm good now, just enjoying how lovely it is! yayayay! Even work is going along quite well. Oh yea, heritage days: AMAZING!!!!! Zomg I looooove Kay-lynn to bits. Best girl ever! I guess life is steady and good lately, quite refreshing to be drama free. And back to school in less than a month!!!! Holy Crapola I can't wait, as lame as that sounds. I am so ready for grade 12.

July was quite the month for me. I witnessed something born in myself, as many of the things around me I cared for so much withered away. I've spoken with more truth and with more of myself this summer than I ever have in my life. I told 39 people I had known less than a week my darkest secret. Not only that, I told them the truest version of it, how deeply it had effected me, without any fear of ridicule or judgment, something my life has been quite filled with. I told my Aunt what I truly thought of her, as I watched burrow lie motionless in my hands, amazed how the weight of death upon me could be so heavy for a creature I had known barely 4 days.

My claim here is not that I am perfect, that I am a soulful, sensitive wonderful person, who has had this magical transformation in a very little amount of time. I'm not perfect, at times I lie, act for my own gain, hurt people whether intentional or by accident. My point is, I am actively trying to make myself a better person. Those of you who see me as evil incarnate, I highly doubt I will change your mind, but really, if you see so little in me, it's not worth my time to prove I'm good enough for you. I'm a good person at heart and I know it through and through. I am loyal to those who deserve it and have earned my trust and kept it. I have gone out of my way for the people I care about most, hardly ever asking for that kind of love in return, hoping it would be freely given. Some have, others haven't and I respect it. I just needed to put it in words. This month did make me look at myself in a very hard light, and I am doing my damn hardest to improve upon what I can. Maybe people could stop judging me and everyone else for a few seconds and look at themselves in the mirror.

Wow been a long time since a post. Things have just been..not crazy but weird as hell. Let me just say, people, mainly my friends, make no goddamn sense. Just a statement of fact. I bought a corset today, its so pretty and I love it, but I don't have it yet, I need to pay the rest. I will have it by the 10 of August for sure. I want it for animethon, which I sent my registration in for today. A certain event which has recently occured has raised my spirits, and plans are in motion. Mwahahahaa. Finally, 5 sleeps till Artstrek. I'm excited, scared, happy to get away from everyone for a week, and sad I'm missing the Harry Potter book parties. *Tear*

Also, my dad shall be painting my room soon. He said 2 walls will be caramel and I can pick the other colour for the 2 other walls, any suggestions?