Nothing To Gain, Everything To Fear

I know no one ever keeps there resolutions, but I have realistic goals.

1) Spend more time being happy than depressed and mopey (easy because of a certain person)
2) Make more of an attempt (at least that much) to lose 15 pounds
3) Be happy with what I have and not ruin things by trying to get more out of people than they are willing to give
4) The opinions of others do not effect my every movement. Stop caring what others think, period.
5) Drink even less pop than I already do (essentially none)
6) Finish the Fountainhead book
7) Finish high school with 80's in everything (except math is 70)
8) Get into post-secondary and start to make something of my life
9) Be more honest. If I think someone is a terrible person, they deserve to know why they suck at life
10) Produce a pie from thin air, a.k.a become a real woman
11)Laugh louder, cry harder, live more.

and the most important resolution already in the works...letting go.

In the dark winter night your body should have glowed red. To brush against your arm was to feel fire. You even held my hand in the silence. It was more than I could have asked for and all I wanted. To lay with you, to be with you. In the books Edward may be the immortal fairy tale love, but I need a Jacob. I want something warm, human. I want to grow old with someone, and I'm starting to think thats you. Too early to confirm, too late to escape. Your warm arms are holding me even now. I like waking up to you, perfect even in your flaws that you hate and I love. We've been waiting so long to find this. Even now, we are only walking parallel to our path. But I'm walking, patiently with you until those roads meet and you can take my hand in yours. One day your shadows and secrets won't be able to hold us back anymore. I'd do anything for you, I'd wait forever for you to be happy, even if it isn't with me.

Jacob deserves his true love too.

Rock n' Roll on a record player. The too small pool table. That familiar scent. Your subtle (and misguided) appreciation of my figure. Me pretending not to notice. Winning 2 games in a row though you are a much better pool player. Letting me win and not rubbing it in my face. Chicken cordon bleu and garlic noodles. Planning a move to France. Cookies and brownies. The Spanish Train. Norwegian prisons. Too much smoke. Cold winter air. Surprise attacks. An new-found weak spot. Keep close for warmth. Fraiser is old. 5 more minutes. Silent taxis. The sound of winter. Crunch through the silence. Park gazebos. Hold tight. Farewell till tomorrow.

You Are My North Star

I finally slept last night, but being trapped in a very bad nightmare isn't much of a sleep. I really really REALLY hate nightmares, especially when they involve people I know, which lately everyone has. I'm gonna start fearing these people in real life if this keeps up. But who to approach for help? no one. An empty house, can't go to my mums and talk with her. Its really frustrating on top of everything else. In other news, if you want to be really creeped out, watch the movie May. Every time I watch it I get more freaked out by it. I really do love it though. May, the main character is so special to me, and even as I cringe away I smile at her and cheer her on to happiness.  She just wants a friend after all, one that wont hurt her. I don't think thats too much to ask. Sigh...


Way to ditch me loserface, thanks for letting me down too.

I haven't really slept in the last 3 days. Its been emotionally brutal. Infuriating, frustrating at times, then absolutely hilarious and juvenile the next (like me snorting coca-cola through my noes, one of my less brilliant ideas). The best part was probably last night (luv luv loserface <3), as well as the worst, I'm lucky I didn't break my hand. Oh well, I'm over it, I don't care, whatevers. And in response to my last post, ITS A BLOG. Practically no one reads it and I write in it my frustrations, that post was supposed to be private too but I was to mad to realize and now I just don't care. Suck it up you big baby. Stop acting like a 12 year old and grow up. Anywho, loser face mcgee couldn't come over tonight (sorry I got you in trouble) so I was asleep and had a terrible nightmare, woke up screaming and all. I won't be forgetting that face anytime soon. So I went upstairs (no one is home, all gone for the weekend except me *tear*) and watched this movie called Millions. It was directed by Danny Boyle (trainspotting) and was quite different from the mentioned movie in brackets, storyline wise. I liked it though, it was a cute little movie that really calmed my home alone fears. Also it made a good statement about how money complicates things and really does more damage than good in excess. The ending was sweet and really made me smile. A very good family friendly happy movie. Just what I needed. Maybe I will sleep tonight, but I think I am still too subconsciously distraught to sleep without really horrific nightmares. (which is why I haven't slept in 3 days)

Oh yea, Loserface Mcgee, aka. Fatty Mcguffin.
You ain't half bad...sometimes....like once in a blue moon....but not really. Lol luv luv <3<3

I haven't been this mad in over 2 years. We were the 3 people that kept him here, that gave him a reason to stay. The kindest, most patient man I ever met, and you broke his trust like it was a blade of grass. He stayed here for you, you bastard and you trampled over him like it was nothing. For someone who values the virtues of God and goodness and humanity, you sure are a goddamn devil. He stayed for you, and now its to late to leave, for him to go where people love him and there are people who wont try and crush his hope and his heart. He could've been with the people he cares for most, but you lulled him in to believing you were worth his time, worth his care and love. You make me sick. I hope you get what you deserve for betraying him like this. Forget what you did to me, what you did to Morgan, this is the ultimate in slimy, under-handed, dirty betrayals. You are a monster if ever there was one. He will be ok, he will recover because he is a wonderful beautiful person, and light will follow him and life will turn around for him. He will be happy again. But you, your shadowy, despicable ways will follow you, God shall watch and judge you. You, not everyone who disagree's with you as you so pretentiously believe. God is watching you, and how you betray those who trust you, how you covet what is not yours, and how you vainly believe you are "oh so virtuous". Think of me as God's messenger, he is watching you, and if I have to deliver the message personally, your time shall come and you shall reap what you have sewn. Betrayal, hatred, vanity, and a monster's cold black heart.

Justin Hume, you are a Devil in Preacher's clothing.

What I'm sure many current as well as old friends have been waiting for this. I'm the bad guy. I'm not taking all the blame, cause most of you have been just as bad as me. I've tried to be there for you, gone to the end of the world and back, asking for nothing in return except true and honest friendship. The kind without talking behind my back or treating me as disposable. I didn't think I was asking much, I thought this was what friends did. I was mistaken. I got shotty treatment from a fair few because I chose not to share everything with them, keeping my burdens to myself. I was content to be there for others, but if I don't bitch and whine to them, I don't trust them or care about them. What a load of crap. Yea, when things go bad for me, I ignore you, leave you all be, not because I'm pissed at you, but because I don't want to talk about why I am pissed off, and because I don't want to blow up at my friends (which I do on a good day, so a bad day would be like world war 3). Albeit, I felt ignored by a few, so I followed suit. It didn't help I was upset about my own shit at the time. So I admit, I ignored people, blocked them out, maybe even acted like a bitch to them on the rare occasion we talked. I keep people out of my really personal stuff as much as I can, so much that I will draw attention to something else that is insignificant but still bad so no one notices the big stuff. And as a result of me not wanting to share all my "feelings" with all of you, drama follows me, as one good friend told me yesterday, I want drama, just so I can keep everyone out. Fine, think that. I want everyone out of my personal personal crap, and if a little catty girl drama follows me as a result, its something I'm willing to put up with. I love my friends, the old ones who pretty much hate me and don't want to talk to me, and the ones I have now, who get mad at me for not sharing everything about my life and "opening up". But if I really do need help, I ask.

Special note: Justin, Rikki and Katrina, (partly James too). Even if you don't read it, I treated you worst of all, and yea I was moody, and angsty and a total hag. I'm not taking all the blame, there was fault on both sides, but I admit I was a total bitch. You don't want anything to do with me, fair. But at least I'm finally owning up.

So life has been going along quite nicely. Justin's birthday was much fun, but boy did I get home late, the compliments to my story were worth it. Capital ex was everything I could ask for. The people I was with made it so amazing. I got my corset today, as well as free blue checkered vans shoes that I like a lot. Mostly I love my corset. I was kinda dizzy when I first put it on, but I'm good now, just enjoying how lovely it is! yayayay! Even work is going along quite well. Oh yea, heritage days: AMAZING!!!!! Zomg I looooove Kay-lynn to bits. Best girl ever! I guess life is steady and good lately, quite refreshing to be drama free. And back to school in less than a month!!!! Holy Crapola I can't wait, as lame as that sounds. I am so ready for grade 12.

July was quite the month for me. I witnessed something born in myself, as many of the things around me I cared for so much withered away. I've spoken with more truth and with more of myself this summer than I ever have in my life. I told 39 people I had known less than a week my darkest secret. Not only that, I told them the truest version of it, how deeply it had effected me, without any fear of ridicule or judgment, something my life has been quite filled with. I told my Aunt what I truly thought of her, as I watched burrow lie motionless in my hands, amazed how the weight of death upon me could be so heavy for a creature I had known barely 4 days.

My claim here is not that I am perfect, that I am a soulful, sensitive wonderful person, who has had this magical transformation in a very little amount of time. I'm not perfect, at times I lie, act for my own gain, hurt people whether intentional or by accident. My point is, I am actively trying to make myself a better person. Those of you who see me as evil incarnate, I highly doubt I will change your mind, but really, if you see so little in me, it's not worth my time to prove I'm good enough for you. I'm a good person at heart and I know it through and through. I am loyal to those who deserve it and have earned my trust and kept it. I have gone out of my way for the people I care about most, hardly ever asking for that kind of love in return, hoping it would be freely given. Some have, others haven't and I respect it. I just needed to put it in words. This month did make me look at myself in a very hard light, and I am doing my damn hardest to improve upon what I can. Maybe people could stop judging me and everyone else for a few seconds and look at themselves in the mirror.

Wow been a long time since a post. Things have just been..not crazy but weird as hell. Let me just say, people, mainly my friends, make no goddamn sense. Just a statement of fact. I bought a corset today, its so pretty and I love it, but I don't have it yet, I need to pay the rest. I will have it by the 10 of August for sure. I want it for animethon, which I sent my registration in for today. A certain event which has recently occured has raised my spirits, and plans are in motion. Mwahahahaa. Finally, 5 sleeps till Artstrek. I'm excited, scared, happy to get away from everyone for a week, and sad I'm missing the Harry Potter book parties. *Tear*

Also, my dad shall be painting my room soon. He said 2 walls will be caramel and I can pick the other colour for the 2 other walls, any suggestions?

I have lived 17 years. 17 years of laughter, tears, struggle, and joy. I had so many plans, dreams, goals that I was supposed to have finished by now. Somehow life got in the way. Instead I have all but lost my closest friends and have a past filled with regrets of the things I never did, and the people I left behind. I wish I could salvage the friendships that I have lost recently, but I just don't know how. This year was hard, painful, and at the same time beautiful and rewarding. To those who mean the most to me, even if you never choose to speak or deal with me again for whatever reason or whatever I have done, I truly am sorry and love you. I pray this year will be different, that I will be different. I am one year closer to understanding it all.

Happy Birthday to me...

Last night was my birthday party. Not everyone I wanted was there, it didn't go exactly as I envisioned it, and the presents were not what expected at all. Amidst this, I couldn't have had a better time. I respect the decision that some people weren't there, whether it was a choice to not want to be around me, or because they already had other plans. The people who were there reminded me of something I forgot. I have people that love me, and I certainly love them right back. I love them, because we have jokes that span entire friendships, because we talk and listen without judging or insulting. So to all of you who came last night, and reminded me of why living really is worthwhile, thank you. And other than the action figure Jesus from south park that Lauren got me, here is the best present I have ever received. Justin wrote it for me, and I am touched.

It was no more than six months ago,
When you first graced me with your splendor,
With late night talks to jabs at my faux,
To almost dating and a failure to render,
To starting anew and reestablishing the glow,
We’ve come full circle, that’s no pretender.

From Lawyers to Friends, it will continue to grow,
Already sprouting so much, for this I do know,
You shone the light upon me that caused surrender,
You drove the man inside to be a real contender,
You opened me up and made me tender,
And best of all,
You wrought bliss upon my life,
And even through all of the strife,
The smiles have been more than rife,
And for this, dear Shallanah,
I owe you the world.

I owe you too, Justin. Thank you for being the light at the end of my dark tunnel, and for teaching me I don't need to be in a relationship to love someone deeply and completely. I love you Justin Hume, the best "husband" in the world lol.

Am I Alone?
Am I Still Breathing?
Worry Not...

At least for tonight, I am done with all of this that has torn me. I sat at the edge of the ravine last night in that storm, feeling the rain pelt my face and the wind blow the trees around me in the darkness. I called your name, chanted it as if it would change things, save me, but it didn't. You'll never know what you showed me, but I will never forget it. I miss that storm. I'm sorry for everything. There really is nothing left between us, not love, not friendship. I don't even have a place left in my heart to hate you, and I truly am sorry I feel nothing for you. Goodbye, there is nothing left here.

"Love Alters Where In Alteration Finds."

I never expected him of all people to bring some shred of happiness back to my life. But now that he is back I am so thankful. Classes are bearable because I know I'll see him in at least one class. I'm not saying I like him or want to go out with him. I just realized how important his friendship was to me, and I missed it a lot. He is my reason to smile, and it's nice to feel like I can tell him anything without being judged harshly. Thursday on Whyte will be fun with him. I can't wait. Postcards, coffee, books, and a nice conversation. Sounds like a fun day if ever there was one. I just wish it was here faster. And Saturday! Oh boy I want Saturday. The only other thing I wish to happen this weekend is maybe go see Twinklebugland (none of you will understand, so don't bother) and my lovely little Jaida. How I miss her.

This weekend was lame. Lame in the extreme. And guess what/ It's not even over yet! Good lord...I didn't sleep last night. I stayed up all night knitting a scarf, how cool does that make me. I've honestly had the uncontrollable urge to knit, so when I got started I couldn't stop. I'm worse than a little old lady. I have/am in the process of receiving the birthday presents of the wonderful birthdays this week. Hopefully you all like your gifts! I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow but man I hope it will be more interesting than the rest of this weekend.

On Friday me and Deannie were on whyte, and orbit is moving so everything is on sale. So she got me a shirt made, as an early birthday present. On the front is the mushroom from mario, and on the back is the old school super mario bros. Logo. I love this shirt more than life itself possible. I wanna take pictures of it and make me look like a total ass. Not too hard.

And If this post has no other purpose, I must make it clear. I love Barbara Streisand. I want to be her, I want her nose, I want to look like she did when she was young, and I love watching her cheesy romance movies. If you can't like such a lovable girl in her oldie movies, there is something wrong in your head.

I don't get how such a good day can end on such a bad note. Went to Whyte with Deannie and Katrina. Deannie bought me the sweetest shirt ever. Went to dinner with mum, looked around at kingsway. Sounds good yes? It was, but here I am, feeling miserable and on the verge of tears, and for no real reason. These days drag on and all I can do is hope to sleep through it. Maybe its cause me and Katria talked about him. Maybe its cause I saw the destroyer of my life (Andrew). Maybe its cause my iPod is slightly broken. But the good should outweigh the bad here. Yet everyday is just a struggle to get out of bed and dressed. I'm sick of feeling lonely, I'm sick of crying, and I'm bloody sick of always arguing with everyone about everything, but nothing I do changes what happens. I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. If anyone has a solution, I'd love to hear it, cause at this point, anything has to be better than how I'm feeling.

I have yet to post about the concert. So I am gonna do that right now. We all arrived immediately after school, and waited around for 3 monotonous hours for the doors to open. When they finally did, I was the first one in *Smirks* Brand New only sells ten concert posters per show, and yours truly was able to snag one. Its really pretty and above my bed. Maybe I'll take a picture of it later and post it. Miraculously after waiting in line so long for merchandise, I was still front and center right in front of the lead mic for the show. That some skillz right there. Beside me was this girls I had made friends with outside and on the other side was this chick Jamie. I noticed on her arm was tattooed the triforce from Zelda. So we started to talk about Zelda, video games, Star Trek, all the way to DnD. Needless to say, coolest girl I have ever met at a concert.

Anathallo played first. I had never heard them before Friday, but I was blown away. 8 people, with an amazingly wide range of instruments, from guitars and drums, to numerous horns, to xylophones and velcro strips. I think they are pretty sweet and recommend them highly. Then came Brand New, the creme de la creme of the evening. And that they were. They played a range of songs from first album to the newest and Jessie was so close I could almost touch him. They played well, sang well, and put on one hell of a live show. Although I have a nasty bruise right across my chest and my lungs still hurt from being crushed for 4 hours, I wouldn't have changed anything about that night. Good people, good music, and good atmosphere. Also, I think I saw Mitchell's brother Max. Yea, I think he was the one that kicked me in the head while crowdsurfing....

Last few little updates. I went to Rutherford with Alyssia today. I love that campus, truly beautiful grounds and buildings. I really hope I get one of those scholarships, I want to go there more and more every time I see it. Also, I am actually motivating myself to find a job this summer. I need cash, and my dad actually wants me to go to Artstek and my mum doesn't. Very weird switch. I am still deciding so who knows what will happen for me this summer. And last bit, MY ESSAY IS DUE THURSDAY AND I HAVEN'T STARTED!!!! KILL ME NOW!!!!

ps. I need some book recommendations. My selection is sparse and I need some new materials. help, please?

Today I ran from English class crying. I'm not sure if it was the pain, the medication, or just Grayson and Jessica being total jerks. I was presenting in front of the class and they were in my group and after every word I said, they whispered rude comments beside me. Then the pain in my back just jumped up, and in the middle of a sentence I stopped, said "I'm done" and walked out of the class with tears in my eyes. So now I've broken down in English and History. Woot to me!

Tomorrow is the Brand New concert and I was all happy cause I have my ticket, but doctor told me I shouldn't go, and this pain in a mosh pit equals bad things. So I miss out, but I'm not as upset about it as I thought. Again, probably the pain or medication.

But the silver lining in all of this? MY DAD IS GONNA SEND ME TO ARTSTREK!!!! Holy crap am I excited. Although this means I miss Harry Potter opening day, and may miss k-days, and I can;t do summer school. But oh well, I've never been to cap, and its a drama camp. Excitement! Well now that I have unleashed that I feel a bit better. Now to look for a job, cause man do I need cash....

This weekend has been fairly uneventful, except for Friday and Spiderman 3. I still haven't decided whether I loved it or hated it. It was definitely...different. And I guess I should've expected this from Sam Raimi. I really couldn't stand the jazz walk mixed with the Hitler haircut. That was just soooo bad. But Topher was awesome, as always *Fans Self*. What was better then the movie was definitely after when Morgan and I went for coffee. I don't think we should be allowed to be around each other, only madness can ensue. The rest of this weekend has just been painful. Literally, I've screwed my back so bad and now its gone to my neck and right arm. I can barely type with my right hand. Hopefully tomorrow it will be better, or I will just steal robaxacet from my dad. Yay medicine!

I've yet to finish my world lit paper. Or start my historical investigation. Procrastination for the win! Ugh, whoever thought of extra essays was a cruel cruel bastard. I am now gonna go hunt for painkillers. Ta ta.